This post is going to be a little different than most. I didn't plan this post out ahead of time. This is all coming straight from my head to the page. 

I don't talk about myself much on the blog, but you should know that when I was 19, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. That was a long time ago, but I still struggle everyday. My Bipolar Disorder is pretty stable right now but the Borderline disorder makes every day a chore. 

I always dreamed of being a writer. Actually, I had a lot of dreams, but life doesn't always work out the way you hoped it would. I struggled for twenty years, and even though I don't have much to show for it, I am still not giving up. I still have dreams. I still want to be a writer. 

I love writing, studying writing, and working on this blog. But then depression hits. Sometimes it's brought on by something specific, sometimes it's purely chemical, but either way, it knocks me on my ass and makes doing anything but staring at the TV screen seem impossible. When I am in the thick of it, I don't know how to do anything other than breathe through the next five minutes, and the five minutes after that, and the five minutes after that. There is nothing else I can do. 

Once the worst of it passes, I can breathe a little easier but the world around me is still out of focus. When I try to concentrate, any moment of clarity floats away as soon as I try to grab it. When I try to think of reading or writing anything, a brick smashes down on my head and then makes itself at home right behind my eyes. Everything goes dark. 

The only way I've found to get through times like these is to try not to isolate myself and simply give it time. For me, for now, the fog lifts eventually. Eventually, I am able to see clearly again and the thoughts and ideas start to come more freely. I can think again. I can write again. I can work again. 

So, if a week or two goes by without my sharing a post on the blog, you will know now that it's isn't because I don't care to post. It isn't because I have given up. It's only because living with a mental illness is hard. It's no fun losing control of your own thoughts and emotions. I can only do my best and always keep fighting.